Wandering Reflections

Slowing down to explore the abundance, connectivity and wonder of the more than human world reorganizes and checks the ego's assumptions, images and the like that are so pervasive in every second of our lives. Within seconds of letting go it becomes easier to sense the wonder and mystery of place. This letting go also opens us up toGaia's natural cycles and systems that so gracefully support the abundance of life found all around us. These are the very cycles, systems and forms of life that we've mechanistically disconnected and removed ourselves from over the past 8 - 12,ooo years. Even in death and decay Gaia has a creative cycle in place, rejuvenating and revitalizing herself and all of life. She is open and transparent about this process. Death, to all life, is inevitable and Gaia is atop of the food chain. I am moved by the honesty, process, color and vibrancy of her creation.

The Second Cocoon

“To relinquish your former identity is to sacrifice the story you have been living, the one that defined you, empowered you socially - and limited you. This sacrifice captures the essence of leaving home.”
Bill Plotkin

Leaving home (both literally and figuratively) is perhaps the most pivotal and yet horrifying phase on the transcendental journey from adolescence into adulthood, or in Bill Plotkins’ words, “... into the fully embodied life of your soul.” Bill refers to this process as the second cocoon, “the time between death and rebirth.” He further illustrates the meaning of this time in one’s life and the gentleness, mentality, perseverance and creativity needed to wander through this arduous phase through a poem by T.S. Elliot:

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be to love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
Whisper of the running streams, and winter lightning.
The wild thyme unseen and the wild strawberry,
The laughter in the garden, echoed ecstasy
Not lost, but requiring, pointing to the agony
Of death and birth.

As a wanderer in the second cocoon, “Two essential tasks must be addressed: saying good-bye to the old and making yourself ready for the new.” He adds, “There are two subtasks involved in truly leaving home: honing your skills of self-reliance, and relinquishing attachment to your former identity.” Bill provides us with the examples of seven commonly used practices to assist us, the wanderers, through this process: completing unfinished business from earlier life stages, giving up addictions, welcoming home the loyal solider, healing work with the sacred wound, learning to chose authenticity over social acceptance, making peace with the past: the death lodge and learning the art of disidentification through meditation.

The example of learning how to chose authenticity over social acceptance spoke to me the most. “Now in the second cocoon, you must take up the practice of reversing the priority between acceptance and authenticity. Authenticity and integrity become your foundations for asking the deeper questions of soul.” I think I’m a pretty authentic person but there’s something that stirs from within when I think of, read or hear the word authentic. I’ve given this a considerable amount of thought and I think the source of it all is that I’m ready to move on in my wandering. I’ve realized that my soul’s journey is still in adolescence and that I continue to live and guide my life according to ideas, ethics, morals and systems that were formulated when I was both physically and mentally in adolescence. It’s something to realize, truly realize, that the only hinderance in becoming the person you want to be is yourself, or rather your adolescent self. The identity that I’ve so carefully constructed and protected up to this point has served it’s purpose but it’s not who I want to be anymore. It doesn’t reflect the world I see. I sometimes feel like I’m multiple people throughout the day. I have the version of myself that goes to work, the social version, this version of me typing behind the computer, the version of me that... well, you name it. It’s exhausting to even think about, and for what? Social acceptance? Because I’m a Libra and want everyone to like me? It doesn’t make any sense. Bill, in his seemingly infinite wisdom, has this to say about authenticity:

“Distinguishing authenticity from deception - at any stage of life - requires the ability to access and understand your emotions, desires, and values. But the more advanced practice of choosing authenticity over social acceptance requires something more: you must tell yourself and your intimate others the truth, all of it, as deep as you can, especially when it’s difficult. What you express is from the heart and intended to serve both yourself and others. You must adopt the practice of making all your actions align with what you know to be emotionally and spiritually true.”

I believe that authenticity emanating from the souls purpose is key to creating sustainable and effective communities. These are the communities we want to reestablish, right? Communities made-up of people who want to be there, who need to be there. I also understand that communities can be a source of authenticity. Perhaps the reason we lack fully authentic people (and therefore, soulful adults) is because our culture subscribes to or is even based on inauthenticity, secrecy and the like?

I end this post with an announcement... I have decided to join a men’s group called, Making Soup from the Bones: Grief, Initiation and the Healing of the Masculine Soul. Our purpose will be to mythically and creatively redefine and heal our souls through community. I also plan to begin taking art classes sometime after the new year, working with music in someway shape or form and I will take part in my first week long vision quest (hopefully via Bill Plotkin’s organization or Rights of Passage here in Washington) shortly after graduating at the end of next spring / summer. I can feel my soul reaching out, wanting to change. It’s been doing this for some time now and I’ve managed to ignore it but I can’t any longer...

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Suddenly the outline of his life shimmered like a mirage and twisted itself into an entirely new shape in his mind, and he nearly laughed out loud.

“Of course,” he whispered triumphantly. “Of course!” And he meant by this: Of course I’ve betrayed myself. I was sure I wouldn’t, but of course I have. For comforts, for pleasant companionship, for acceptance, for respectability, for security. For the sake of appearing to be a sensible, mature fellow. I thought I could get away with it, but of course I didn’t. No one can.

It didn’t matter now. The betrayal was over. By night fall he would be behind the wheel of his Volvo with all he would ever need from this life in a single suitcase. It was going to be a nightmarish day, an agonizing day. There were other lives to be shattered along with his own, because other lives had been molded against his. Three others would share in the common disaster, but he would defer all guilt until later. This was the way it had to be.

Because it was time to resume the abandoned search. The search for a road. A certain road.

- Daniel Quinn, The Holy.

Thresholds and Vows

All the true vows

are secret vows

the ones we speak out loud

are the ones we break.



There is only one life

you can call your own

and a thousand others

you can call by any name you want.



Hold to the truth you make

every day with your own body,

don't turn your face away.



Hold to your own truth
at the center of the image

you were born with.



Those who do not understand

their destiny will never understand

the friends they have made

nor the work they have chosen

nor the one life that waits

beyond all the others.



By the lake in the wood

in the shadows

you can

whisper that truth

to the quiet reflection

you see in the water.



Whatever you hear from

the water, remember,



it wants you to carry

the sound of its truth on your lips.



Remember,


in this place

no one can hear you



and out of the silence

you can make a promise

it will kill you to break,

that way you'll find

what is real and what is not.



I know what I am saying.

Time almost forsook me

and I looked again.



Seeing my reflection

I broke a promise

and spoke

for the first time

after all these years



in my own voice,



before it was too late

to turn my face again.

- David Whyte, "All the True Vows"





David Whyte’s words were some of the first uttered by Bill Plotkin as he introduced us to his weekend intensive entitled: Cultivating Visionary Leadership and Soul-Infused Artistry in a Time of Global Change. Little did I know or understand at the time (as is always the case, right?) that these words, my whispers, my promises and my reflections would present me with a threshold, that once crossed would mean no turning back.

Bill believes that there are eight levels of personal / soul development (more on that later). He also believes that 75% of Western individuals have become perpetually stuck in their adolescent phase. By no means should you confuse the adolescent psychological phase with that of the physical sort. Yes, they can occur in tandem but physical growth during the adolescent period is more of a natural occurrence and passes with the awkwardness and humility that most of us are familiar with. The psychological aspect of this phase, however, is deeply personal and cultural. Unfortunately for most Westerners and an ever growing contingent of the non-Western world, our market driven constitutional delusions of individuality and isolation are at the heart of our problems culturally and collectively. Bill believes, as do I, that our collective problems stem from our deep seeded individuality and our lack of developing to our full human potential. He pushes further by stating that, “A truly initiated adult knows their place in the world.” Do you know your place in the world? Do I?

Over the next day Bill introduced us to several techniques he uses to check the ego to allow an individual to transcend into a more soulful level of consciousness. We integrated music, art, story, naming (psychological birth), dream work, and wilderness excursions into our day. My most significant learning came from our wilderness excursions. We were given the idea of finding a physical threshold whether it be a stick, log, fence, curb, etc. and cross it knowing that we were attempting to transcend the realities of the ‘real world’ by entering the world of the soul, the underworld. Walking alone in a state park I selected my threshold, crossed it and found a tree willing to listen to my silent truths. As I emerged from my conversation / meditation and stepped over the threshold between the worlds of the soul and reality, I knew something was different. I can’t put into words how I knew, nor do I want to, but I just felt it.

One of the last things I wrote down from that day was something Bill said, “Embodying our own personal mystery is the best action (and perhaps most creative?) we have to create social and cultural change.” Fast forward to now, almost three weeks since my weekend intensive and I’ve mutually ended a five and a half year relationship and reconnected with myself, with my soul. My former partner and I have our own and shared reasons for ending our intimate relationship but undoubtedly, for me, Bill’s work influenced this life event as did the conversations I’ve had recently, some of the realizations I’ve made during my time at Antioch and my own soul screaming for release, for freedom. I’m now staring into a future full of potential, mystery, adventure and unknowing... and I like it.

Learning/Support Group

Group: Laura York, Laura T., Jamie Shairrick, Christian Schmitt
Group Agreements

• Each group member will post weekly on the blog site.
• Email videos, pics or docs to Britt if they need to be uploaded in Sakai.